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Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide (Complete) - Parvacake - 12-24-2014
Welcome to the wonderful, frustrating, complex, beautiful, intricate, enigmatic world of...
Reason for starting this guide: Being as this is a game that has an entire race (miqo'te) dedicated to a nontraditional romantic structure as well as a player fanbase (RP wise) being of a far more accepting sort, I see polyamorous relationships sprout up all over in this RP community. Thought perhaps it might be nice to start on a guide adding a little real life experience to a concept that can open up a lot of interesting doors in roleplay!
Some links for funsies:
^^^^ This topic is related to a lesser extent to polyamory. I did a research paper on it in college and has also been applied to human males (and to a lesser extent females).
Credentials on the subject itself- Polyamorous in real life.
- Been in multiple polyamorous relationships over the last few years both long distance based and local.
- Done multiple scenarios of polyamory in roleplay over the last 6-ish years.
- Studied the topic extensively as part of a Human Sexuality course with supervising sexologist Dr. Lindsey Doe at the University of Montana.
- Partook in various activities as part of above course, including attending sex positive seminars, watched this little gem for extra credit, polyamory meet groups of BDSM and non-BDSM varieties, and more.
- Interviewed long practicing polygroups and polyfamilies both for personal knowledge as well for a term paper.
Obligatory Disclaimers
This guide is not meant in any way, shape, or form to tell any one person or party how they should or shouldn't RP this sort of dynamic. It's just as it's claimed, a guide. People can glean what knowledge what they would like from this or ignore it all together.Â
This guide is also not meant to start a hot topic debate on the subject itself. If that is something you would like to do, by all means make a separate thread for it here on the forums. Just not here on the guide, please.
Also, I am very aware that this is a fantasy world and that real world schematics shouldn't apply blah blah blah. However, for this topic itself, certain basics should at least be acknowledged and advised. Just like monogamy has some basic 'rules' (like no cheating, only one partner at a time, etc.), polyamory has much of the same.
With these said, onward with the guide!
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Melodia - 12-24-2014
As Melodia is actually in one of these types of relationships, I am appreciative of this effort and look forward to reading more on this. Thank you.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-24-2014
Some random basics
Polyamory is interesting in the sense that it has no set structure to go off of (see Polyamory wiki link for further details). It is slightly different from relationship to relationship and with the preferences and comforts of those involved adding to the playing field. So even in a roleplay setting it adds a LOT of flexibility. Also can offer unique boundaries as well. Some example of these possible boundaries are...
Being allowed to have emotional relationships with other people but being restricted when it comes to sexual play or involvement.
Having a primary or secondary be comfortable with your involvement with members of your same sex (or sometimes those who are fluid or nondefining, but that's a topic for another day), but not comfortable with those of the opposite gender and/or sex.
The list can go on. For those who enjoy romantic or relationship oriented roleplay, it brings up a plethora of interesting scenarios and complications to spice anything up.
In polyamorous dynamics, it can get REALLY confusing as to what to call those you're involved with to someone on the outside when there's three or more involved. In the real world, they even made a phone app for that shit. Usually you have a few basic categories for organizations sake. Some characters I've seen even made pet code names to keep it covert while also expressing it publicly.
Note: Multiple people can fit into a role. You can have more then one primary, secondary, etc. The app link above even shows that lol.
Primary: Title speaks for itself. They are your main lover. Your first and foremost. Usually the one you've been involved with the most or the most intimately (emotional or otherwise). Think status similar to a wifey or a hubby in terms of rank and scale. In FF14 it could be the primary 'mate' or whatever suits best.
Secondary: Again, title speaks for itself. They are next to the primary but still have a very special place in your heart.
These two keep it basic, and anything after this is also to one's discretion or how the characters might define one another based on the experiences and the RP.
There are many common misconceptions about polyamory both in roleplay and in reality. Many of them speak for themselves and are even pointed out in some of the above articles. For those who don't want to read all of that, I'll list a few of the big ones here (note I use 'you' mainly in reference to a character/persona/etc.):
If you are involved with someone but are messing around emotionally or physically with other individuals without your partner's consent, knowledge, or they know but don't care for it, this isn't polyamory. This is, by definition, cheating. Polyamory is nothing without informed consent from all sides.
Just because you canoodle the doodle or poodle of other people on a regular basis and have some pieces of buttcandy on speed dial on the linkpearl doesn't make one polyamorous. To quote from wikipedia:
Quote:...the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational)...
The final basic is such a huge one that it gets its own special little section.
A n d i t i s . . .
C o m m u n i c a t i o n
Big red text and everything to highlight its importance, with more obnoxious big text to follow. This also goes for IC as well as OOC if things are to go smoothly. I've met people who both ICly and OOCly are not comfortable having a character involved with another who is poly or participating in other open relationship practices. Which is their right and their comfort zones should be respected.
On a personal note, I try to let people know OOCly if I see their character getting close to one of mine who happens to be poly. Most of the time, players like to see how the RP goes but there have been those who were grateful for the heads up so it wasn't a shocker later. Some don't care for those types of surprises in roleplay.
ICly (using my own experience yet again), my characters are all rather open about what they're involved with. I have monogamous Lili, nonmonogamous and mostly tradtional Keeper of the Moon Xelra, etc. Some characters can be far more private about this sort of thing, and if so is when I point back to the above note on perhaps letting others know OOCly should it come up. Ultimately, it's up to the player how they want to handle it based on those involved, situation, blah blah blah.
If you have a character in a polyamorous dynamic with another: OOC communication is especially important. Unless said otherwise, usually a best bet to give your RP partner a heads up if a development occurs that could affect their character or your own based off a shift in their own personal land of poly. Sometimes though players and characters would rather not be in the know, and if that's been specified ahead of time then that's something else entirely.
Until then? It never hurts to ask questions for clarity's sake and make sure everyone (both player and even character wise) are on the same page.
First and last update until after Christmas festivities! Happy Holidays everyone!
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Zetchryn - 12-24-2014
I just want to say, as another Poly person... Thank you very much for this guide. This'll be a nice, lovely way of helping people understand, and to that end, you have my deepest thanks. I would like to add, as well, I cannot stress ENOUGH how deeply important COMMUNICATION is. Thank you very much for this guide.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Gone. - 12-24-2014
Think I may have to link back to this in my Services thread so people better understand, or at least know what to actually expect.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Dogberry - 12-24-2014
Much like sexual attraction, people experience romance in vastly different ways. What's romantic to me might not be romantic to you. It's largely up to the individual. Not something I can see much of a guide for. Even this guide is more of a "here's how these kinds of relationships organize themselves in real life" rather than any specific details of a poly relationship.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Iex - 12-24-2014
Not going to comment on anything other than the guide.
From an aesthetic viewpoint you may want to work on the formatting and "excessive" color use. It looks kinda jumbled and unprofessional. I am not commenting on the quality of information just the presentation of the information.
The Big red communication seems very off-putting, though I am not sure if it is just my resolution and browser size, but it goes down vertical instead of horizontal. If the intent was to make it clear, you could achieve the same perhaps by reducing the font size.
Like this:
CÂ O M MÂ U N I C A T I O N
So that is doesn't create a massive break in your guide.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-26-2014
Scheduling
As the poly phone app I linked back shows, sometimes when one's polyfamily grows, there's a lot of management to do. Day calendars are a big thing with us. If you have a poly friend, a good default gift is a detailed daily planner.
No, seriously, even with RP. Time management is HUGE. Especially since there's only so much time in a day most people roleplay and if you have two or more partners to split your time around when it comes to roleplay, it adds up. Everyone has their own structure and own schedules so people have to work around each other just like with regular RP. Though from experience, I see more people put their priority with FC related events and interpersonal and romantic relationship developments then most other types of roleplay.
Why scheduling is so important
When it comes to roleplay, everyone does things differently. One of the habits I have picked up that tend to work well for me is the 1 month rule.
The 1 Month Rule: A consecutive month of RP with someone is usually a good gauge for their average schedule and how much you can expect to have RP time with them either privately or in a public setting.
Now, this is not full proof. But it's worked well for me in the past and is what I personally go by and recommend to others. Everyone has their own system, however, so just do what works best for you if you've already found something to your liking.
When it comes to the management of time and scheduling, this becomes important when practicing polyamory in any setting. Before, you might have devoted quite a bit of time to one or two partners, and BOP! Development happens, things work great ICly, and now you have a third. A third who will likely want their time with your character just as the other two do. And contrary to popular belief, just because a character or person is poly doesn't mean that EVERYONE is involved with one another. If it happens and everything hits itself off? Great, but it's also no biggie if it doesn't. Which means in many cases your character's poly group will want their own kind of time with them.
It's easy to get swept up into the moment or with an RP partner you click with SUPER well and devote a lot of time too. But it's also easy for players and characters to feel put off if suddenly all of your available RP time is now fixated on a smaller group then before and what they once were used too no longer is the case. Not everyone ICly or OOCly adjusts to change well, so it's always nice to try and be considerate of that within a reasonable level.
This is when the question arises of "Well, it's my RP time and my money per month, I should be able to do what I want with it". Which is very true, but RP is also about a certain level of commitment when your character's story is intertwined with others. If you feel things changing to where the same dynamic cannot be held as before? Please let that or those RP partners know so adjustments ICly and OOCly can be made. This goes even outside of polyamory as well.
Some things that can help you stay organized!
Now, this is not full proof. But it's worked well for me in the past and is what I personally go by and recommend to others. Everyone has their own system, however, so just do what works best for you if you've already found something to your liking.
When it comes to the management of time and scheduling, this becomes important when practicing polyamory in any setting. Before, you might have devoted quite a bit of time to one or two partners, and BOP! Development happens, things work great ICly, and now you have a third. A third who will likely want their time with your character just as the other two do. And contrary to popular belief, just because a character or person is poly doesn't mean that EVERYONE is involved with one another. If it happens and everything hits itself off? Great, but it's also no biggie if it doesn't. Which means in many cases your character's poly group will want their own kind of time with them.
It's easy to get swept up into the moment or with an RP partner you click with SUPER well and devote a lot of time too. But it's also easy for players and characters to feel put off if suddenly all of your available RP time is now fixated on a smaller group then before and what they once were used too no longer is the case. Not everyone ICly or OOCly adjusts to change well, so it's always nice to try and be considerate of that within a reasonable level.
This is when the question arises of "Well, it's my RP time and my money per month, I should be able to do what I want with it". Which is very true, but RP is also about a certain level of commitment when your character's story is intertwined with others. If you feel things changing to where the same dynamic cannot be held as before? Please let that or those RP partners know so adjustments ICly and OOCly can be made. This goes even outside of polyamory as well.
Some things that can help you stay organized!
- Notepad with dates and times for events so you don't forget and over schedule an RP date with FC raid nights or something else important game wise.
- Make notes on when was the last time you RPed with people, polypartners or otherwise. It helps better show how you balance things between players and when you notice "Oh...haven't RPed with my friend Jane in a few weeks. Let's see what she's doing tomorrow".
- If your character is in a grouping where everyone is comfortable with each other and with the dynamic, try a group outting. Can be fun, lead to more interesting RP, and it kills multiple birds with one stone.
- Set aside specific days for specific things if you can. Tuesdays and Thursdays can be personal and FC days when you log in on those days while others can go to RP partners or other activities. I have a guild leader from WoW where his weekends were his storyline RP days and Sunday evenings were for football or raids.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-26-2014
(12-24-2014, 04:23 PM)Edvyn Wrote: would it be helpful, then, to discuss the red flags in the best interests of people who have a more real interest in rping polyamory?
(12-24-2014, 04:32 PM)ArmachiA Wrote: It's definitely an issue. I think it would actually be a valid thing for Lili to put in her guide - concerns and such. People who only want to erp are everywhere in roleplay and if that isn't your goal it can be hard to know who is and who isn't.
You asked for it, you got it!
Looking for Warning Signs
Updated: 3/08/2016
Going to make the disclaimer right now that any sort of warning section won't work for every situation. I will be going off my own RP experiences and those I have heard and witnessed myself pertaining to others both in this game and in others.
Also, please keep in mind one of the most valuable lessons of the internet.
"It is a hit-or-miss game when it comes to inferring tone with text."
Meaning that sometimes what may be read in a offensive tone by yourself may not be what the poster intended. Take their word for it unless you see outright displays of aggression, or simply ask them for clarification. Sometimes even pointing out that what they said or did came across the wrong way and a simple explanation can do wonders.
Updated: 3/08/2016
Going to make the disclaimer right now that any sort of warning section won't work for every situation. I will be going off my own RP experiences and those I have heard and witnessed myself pertaining to others both in this game and in others.
Also, please keep in mind one of the most valuable lessons of the internet.
"It is a hit-or-miss game when it comes to inferring tone with text."
Meaning that sometimes what may be read in a offensive tone by yourself may not be what the poster intended. Take their word for it unless you see outright displays of aggression, or simply ask them for clarification. Sometimes even pointing out that what they said or did came across the wrong way and a simple explanation can do wonders.
OOCly wanting to organize your characters getting together before RP even happens: This goes beyond even the realm of polyamory in roleplay. I've seen it on ALL ends of RP and has usually been a pretty big warning sign. I had someone near the beginning of the summer keep chatting me up OOCly on a friendly enough level in the game who then started asking me more about my character. The more I told them, the more interested they became in them and the more comments they made along the lines of "Oooo she'd be great with my character!", "She should meet my character, they could hit it off really well". It goes on from there.
Needless to say, at the end of the whole thing I had wished I never RPed with the person and they have since been blocked from everything I ever had them on. While they were never a consistent RP partner, it was a sour enough experience that I have seen happen with others end in a similar way (mostly on WoW out of all the MMOs I've been on). Though the poor experiences usually only stem when it applies to the realm of romanticism and flirting. Interest in having characters meet or saying they might be compatible as friends and allies rarely applies to this.
Partner collecting: This issue is far more polycentric. Oh. My. God. Partner collecting is one of the biggest peeves I've seen people have when it comes to polyamory and the community itself, and is one I myself even share both OOCly and in roleplay. Now, when I share partner collecting it's like this:
Bob has two partners, Jane and Billy. Both are his Primaries. Bob then meets Jill and they connect really well and she is polyamorous as well so on she goes to become one of his partners. Jill has barely been in the picture when Jack and Amy join the fray in a short time frame. Then along comes Susan. And April. And Summer. And Ben. All in a very short time frame from one another. So now you have one person trying to juggle and give the same amount of time and attention to all of these people he wants to establish as consistent partners. Not casual individuals with a few becoming partners and maybe one or two going on to become a Secondary or Primary. Now you are getting these people with some getting hurt or offended at the fact they were given this impression of being a significant part of Bob's life and he's stretched too thin because he just keeps adding more and more and MORE people.
The problem with this lies in the simple fact that: there are only so many hours in the day and you are only one person just as they are only one person. Your character is only one person. While it's great to have the feeling of falling for someone and that sense of connection first being established, collecting people just to get that sensation over and over again leads to one big, BIG problem: What about your character's other partners? Those story lines? You can't fade to black or OOC talk out how the RP might have gone constantly. Some level of time and effort is expected.
Keep a look for this if you're RPing with someone who's RPing a poly character and you see this occurring or find yourself inadvertently doing it. It almost always blows up some how, usually in the form of enough people feeling neglected or mislead and tensions mounting. More often ICly, though I have seen it occur OOC as well.
Meet and fall in love right off the bat, get established, next please: Similar to partner collecting, this one is another biggie when it comes to poly RPers. Meeting a character who falls for your own character very, VERY fast. Things get established and comfortable, things are set and made, and then that character is hitting up everything with two legs in the Quicksand.
Now, some characters are naturally flirtatious. But if this is beyond what you might have seen before or when you first met them? Be careful. If it doesn't lead to partner collecting, it sometimes shows that a person might be more ERP centric. Especially if part of the 'love' aspect is what they strive for: the sexytimes. Or if sexual openness is a must in the rules of the relationship. Just like in real life, there are those who just seek to add tallies to their bedposts rather then develop anything significant. That's not being polyamorous. That's just wanting to get cyberboinked/ERP/screwed/etc. Polyamory is nothing without that meaningful connection too and with others and is NOT supposed to be focused solely on sex. If you're given that impression, it likely isn't good.
Where every potential partner is shot down by the one your character is already with: Say your character has their Primary and that's it. You both have each other and things are sunshine and roses, the characters are great, the roleplay is awesome. Awesome, yeah bro? Good.
Now, say that your character is well within the parameters of the relationship to be receptive to others and both characters are polyamorous or in a open relationship situation of some kind. But every time they show interest or vice versa, the Primary quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) objects behind closed doors or in public. The first few times perhaps they just give the character and/or player bad vibes. That happens.
But every single time? There's the good possibility the character is not actually comfortable with such a thing (sometimes it's also true of the player). I've seen some characters over the years played to where they claim to be open to such things, but when they end up with someone like that it becomes a very enclosed situation. No one is good enough or no one gets along or the players whine or the character whines, etc. Your biggest warning sign with this situation is when they have an interest and you or your character objects. If it turns into an argument or they insist upon it? Might be best to do an IC or OOC intervention with them privately about the matter, which ever applies (sometimes both help, but situations vary).
OOC complaints/bickering/criticism/changes: This is also one that broadens beyond just polyamory but I'm going to try and keep it very polycentic for simplicity's sake. Also, this is one that can happen even without giving cause for alarm but when it enters into more specific territory is where to be wary.
Needless to say, at the end of the whole thing I had wished I never RPed with the person and they have since been blocked from everything I ever had them on. While they were never a consistent RP partner, it was a sour enough experience that I have seen happen with others end in a similar way (mostly on WoW out of all the MMOs I've been on). Though the poor experiences usually only stem when it applies to the realm of romanticism and flirting. Interest in having characters meet or saying they might be compatible as friends and allies rarely applies to this.
Partner collecting: This issue is far more polycentric. Oh. My. God. Partner collecting is one of the biggest peeves I've seen people have when it comes to polyamory and the community itself, and is one I myself even share both OOCly and in roleplay. Now, when I share partner collecting it's like this:
Bob has two partners, Jane and Billy. Both are his Primaries. Bob then meets Jill and they connect really well and she is polyamorous as well so on she goes to become one of his partners. Jill has barely been in the picture when Jack and Amy join the fray in a short time frame. Then along comes Susan. And April. And Summer. And Ben. All in a very short time frame from one another. So now you have one person trying to juggle and give the same amount of time and attention to all of these people he wants to establish as consistent partners. Not casual individuals with a few becoming partners and maybe one or two going on to become a Secondary or Primary. Now you are getting these people with some getting hurt or offended at the fact they were given this impression of being a significant part of Bob's life and he's stretched too thin because he just keeps adding more and more and MORE people.
The problem with this lies in the simple fact that: there are only so many hours in the day and you are only one person just as they are only one person. Your character is only one person. While it's great to have the feeling of falling for someone and that sense of connection first being established, collecting people just to get that sensation over and over again leads to one big, BIG problem: What about your character's other partners? Those story lines? You can't fade to black or OOC talk out how the RP might have gone constantly. Some level of time and effort is expected.
Keep a look for this if you're RPing with someone who's RPing a poly character and you see this occurring or find yourself inadvertently doing it. It almost always blows up some how, usually in the form of enough people feeling neglected or mislead and tensions mounting. More often ICly, though I have seen it occur OOC as well.
Meet and fall in love right off the bat, get established, next please: Similar to partner collecting, this one is another biggie when it comes to poly RPers. Meeting a character who falls for your own character very, VERY fast. Things get established and comfortable, things are set and made, and then that character is hitting up everything with two legs in the Quicksand.
Now, some characters are naturally flirtatious. But if this is beyond what you might have seen before or when you first met them? Be careful. If it doesn't lead to partner collecting, it sometimes shows that a person might be more ERP centric. Especially if part of the 'love' aspect is what they strive for: the sexytimes. Or if sexual openness is a must in the rules of the relationship. Just like in real life, there are those who just seek to add tallies to their bedposts rather then develop anything significant. That's not being polyamorous. That's just wanting to get cyberboinked/ERP/screwed/etc. Polyamory is nothing without that meaningful connection too and with others and is NOT supposed to be focused solely on sex. If you're given that impression, it likely isn't good.
Where every potential partner is shot down by the one your character is already with: Say your character has their Primary and that's it. You both have each other and things are sunshine and roses, the characters are great, the roleplay is awesome. Awesome, yeah bro? Good.
Now, say that your character is well within the parameters of the relationship to be receptive to others and both characters are polyamorous or in a open relationship situation of some kind. But every time they show interest or vice versa, the Primary quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) objects behind closed doors or in public. The first few times perhaps they just give the character and/or player bad vibes. That happens.
But every single time? There's the good possibility the character is not actually comfortable with such a thing (sometimes it's also true of the player). I've seen some characters over the years played to where they claim to be open to such things, but when they end up with someone like that it becomes a very enclosed situation. No one is good enough or no one gets along or the players whine or the character whines, etc. Your biggest warning sign with this situation is when they have an interest and you or your character objects. If it turns into an argument or they insist upon it? Might be best to do an IC or OOC intervention with them privately about the matter, which ever applies (sometimes both help, but situations vary).
OOC complaints/bickering/criticism/changes: This is also one that broadens beyond just polyamory but I'm going to try and keep it very polycentic for simplicity's sake. Also, this is one that can happen even without giving cause for alarm but when it enters into more specific territory is where to be wary.
- If a member of your character's polygroup is constantly badmouthing another member for no real reason, be wary. Especially if the characters and players have had very, VERY little interaction or none at all. Even moreso if its a regular occurrence no matter who is brought in and there was no issue until after that person became involved with your character.
- If the player is constantly criticizing your character's choices from their partners or even fashion, be wary if it's a constant thing especially after your character gains or loses partners.
- This is a big one that I have had experience with myself: If after a change in dynamic involving another partner, if their OOC attitude BLATANTLY changes, be VERY cautious and aware. I once had someone throw a temper tantrum in FC chat over very small things that stemmed from their displeasure with the RP. Sometimes emotions get the better of us even when RP is concerned but it's never an excuse to take it out on others.
Will update this particular post as more things come to me or I get more suggestions.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Gone. - 12-26-2014
Good advice all around. Seen and/or been a victim of all of these, unfortunately.
(finally linked back, btw, hope you don't mind!)
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-26-2014
(12-26-2014, 05:50 AM)hauntmedoitagain Wrote: Good advice all around. Seen and/or been a victim of all of these, unfortunately.I dont mind at all!
(finally linked back, btw, hope you don't mind!)
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-26-2014
Upcoming Updates
Pages
Jealousy: It's Normal (new)
Updates to Looking for Warning Signs
Communication: A More Indepth Look (new-ish)
Slutshaming
If you have anything you'd like to see or want me to add, please ask either via PM or over on this thread! Thank you Hope everyone had a happy holiday!
Hope everyone had a happy holiday!RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-28-2014
(12-24-2014, 12:47 PM)Dogberry Wrote: Much like sexual attraction, people experience romance in vastly different ways. What's romantic to me might not be romantic to you. It's largely up to the individual. Not something I can see much of a guide for. Even this guide is more of a "here's how these kinds of relationships organize themselves in real life" rather than any specific details of a poly relationship.Oops! I wanted to reply to this sooner but totes forgot and ended up looking for it in the other thread lol
And very true, you have a point. Though from the messages I have received in private, there's a surprising amount of people who appreciate what's being highlighted thus far because it helps them better portray a character who practices this sort of thing as well as sheds light on a way of life many look at with nose wrinkles and go "Well, that's just an excuse to be a hussy" even though it existed in history before even Christianity became a thing.
Plus, it's sometimes hard to RP outside of one's comfort zone even if it may be interesting for a story. I have met those who are monogamous IRL who want to roleplay a character who isn't but who have a hard time toeing the line without drifting to one extreme or another. Also vice versa since I sometimes find it difficult to RP a monogamous character because I am not a naturally monogamous person in my day to day dealings.
There are those RPers out there who can do it easily enough, and kudos to them! For those that may need help, here's a guide to shed light and give some pointers
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-28-2014
Jealousy: It's Normal
Yes ladies and gentlemen. Jealousy is very, VERY normal in polyamorous relationships both in RP and IRL. Jealousy is a basic human/mortal emotion no matter one's relationship and romantic preference. You can see it highlighted in multiple articles like this, and especially this from Psychology Today. As the article highlights in one specific line that I think explains it the best:Quote:"...Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat--real or imagined--to a valued relationship or to its quality."
In a sense, a little jealousy is needed for every relationship. Even those that are developed in an RP setting between two characters and two players (or, since we're talking poly here, more then two
). But here's the thing: like with anything, too much of one element isn't always good. Even in polyamory, being jealous as you can imagine doesn't let those kind of relationships thrive for very long. I'm going to split this into sections addressing different things that could help those who RP or want to RP polyamorous characters as well as how to handle RP scenarios of jealousy in general.Tips for handling RP scenarios of jealousy
Have your character take a little walk. Simple, but an effective method for handling it ICly. Especially if you need to afk to take care of something anyways or need to help a friend or FC mate with a dungeon run, instance, etc.
Wait for an opening to pull aside the object of affection (the reason for the jealousy) and talk to them about it. Have the character let them know how they were feeling if its within their persona to do so or just have a quiet moment away from the jealousy with that person so the character can reassure themselves. If it leads into a conversation on the subject that always can go to very interesting developments in the roleplay!
For a more 'dramatic' approach (everyone enjoys a little drama I've found) if the characters are together more officially or even if things are still new, the subtle physical displays of affection can work wonders. Especially if they are reciprocated in the same manner. Sometimes this goes well, sometimes it doesn't.
If its jealousy when one of your partners is with another person, take the time to spend time with your Secondary/Primary/other significant other or even with someone whom your character is starting to develop something with. Putting forth that jealous energy to other things can not only get the character's mind off the subject but can be beneficial to another needed area. Personal character development is also a good place to apply this energy as well!
If it's OOC jealousy in relation to RP, step away from the computer. Get out of your state of immersion or being 'in the character's head'. Do something physical like run or sit up or dance around your room to Lindsey Stirling (hey, she's awesome, shuttup). But never make any serious or rash decisions if your OOC is heavily affected by IC.
Those who don't feel/aren't affected by jealousy
Have your character take a little walk. Simple, but an effective method for handling it ICly. Especially if you need to afk to take care of something anyways or need to help a friend or FC mate with a dungeon run, instance, etc.
Wait for an opening to pull aside the object of affection (the reason for the jealousy) and talk to them about it. Have the character let them know how they were feeling if its within their persona to do so or just have a quiet moment away from the jealousy with that person so the character can reassure themselves. If it leads into a conversation on the subject that always can go to very interesting developments in the roleplay!
For a more 'dramatic' approach (everyone enjoys a little drama I've found) if the characters are together more officially or even if things are still new, the subtle physical displays of affection can work wonders. Especially if they are reciprocated in the same manner. Sometimes this goes well, sometimes it doesn't.
If its jealousy when one of your partners is with another person, take the time to spend time with your Secondary/Primary/other significant other or even with someone whom your character is starting to develop something with. Putting forth that jealous energy to other things can not only get the character's mind off the subject but can be beneficial to another needed area. Personal character development is also a good place to apply this energy as well!
If it's OOC jealousy in relation to RP, step away from the computer. Get out of your state of immersion or being 'in the character's head'. Do something physical like run or sit up or dance around your room to Lindsey Stirling (hey, she's awesome, shuttup). But never make any serious or rash decisions if your OOC is heavily affected by IC.
Those who don't feel/aren't affected by jealousy
Sometimes it's difficult when a character isn't one who experiences or even understands jealousy. Most of the time when characters are in a dynamic with one like this, they find their own ways to work it out. Long talks to meet each other on middle ground and all that other relationship stuff! Here's some things that I've found helpful for others since many of my characters over the years have leaned towards not being ones to experience much jealousy. Recently I've experimented with that, but every character is different just like every person.
Be especially open about emotions.
Be especially honest about emotions.
Be polite but be frank about feelings.
If a nonjealous character might be doing something to excite jealousy, there's always the chance they don't realize it. If your character realizes this, just mention it to them when alone or where a possible follow-up conversation can ensue.
 Sometimes when one doesn't experience jealousy it can be hard to notice when something they're doing may antagonize those feelings.
If jealousy is specific towards a person (like if a rival was to flirt with one's SO but if anyone else were to do it it wouldn't matter), let the partner know that. Always helps to be aware.
As a follow up to the previous comment, if a character knows triggers for jealousy and lets others know about it, it can help for the future.
Be especially honest about emotions.
Be polite but be frank about feelings.
If a nonjealous character might be doing something to excite jealousy, there's always the chance they don't realize it. If your character realizes this, just mention it to them when alone or where a possible follow-up conversation can ensue.
 Sometimes when one doesn't experience jealousy it can be hard to notice when something they're doing may antagonize those feelings.
If jealousy is specific towards a person (like if a rival was to flirt with one's SO but if anyone else were to do it it wouldn't matter), let the partner know that. Always helps to be aware.
As a follow up to the previous comment, if a character knows triggers for jealousy and lets others know about it, it can help for the future.
RE: Polyamory: A Roleplaying Guide - Parvacake - 12-30-2014
Slutshaming
Mostly slutshaming applies to women, but men are not exempt from this either. Urban dictionary covers the definition with a certain degree of humor while this article here also covers more of the male equivalent of slutshaming, and both of these have some degree of basis even in MMOs.
The concept itself varies from game to game when it comes to the RP community. Like all RP communities both as a group and as individuals, we turn to the lore and NPCs to find some sort of basis for cultural norms and mannerisms that our characters can abide by. Quests, leves, dungeons, cutscenes...FF14 is a rich world for which a little extra digging is required to find the information we want.
Out of many MMOs I have seen, this one is perhaps one of the more liberal when it comes to matters of the flesh. There's a GSM leve in Costa that shrugs at whether or not his/her master likes males or females. There's a number of NPCs in Limsa and around La Noscea that talk about coitus, and a two lalafell on either side of a female miqo'te in Costa where one explains how he's pleasured many women in his 55 summers.
This leads into the next big topic of the guide, and one that will be faced very often when practicing polyamory or any kind of liberal sexual practice: slutshaming.
There are no right or wrong ways to handle slutshaming. You ignore them, it can continue or get worse. You do something, you're seen as being defensive and validating their claims (speaking of all of this in an IC perspective).
Even OOC, I've dealt with slutshaming moreso then any other form of harassment or slander that can be leveled at any one person save for being made fun of for my hearing aides and disabilities. I've been called a whore, a slut, a selfish heathen, and the list goes on and gets into seedier and more vile territory. In RP, it can be much the same when playing a polyamorous character.
There are two major issues coming with slutshaming, and I'll list them as well as possible ways the characters can deal with them.
OOC and IC blending: This one is vague, and it's one seen in other areas of RP. There's always those who use an excuse to be a promiscuous character in order to get ERP or personal gratification. We've all seen it or heard of it at least once or twice. It's not uncommon for those who simply choose to play such character types to be leveled with these kind of accusations, or even looked down upon OOCly for things our characters have done.
For example, Lili (my monogamous character who had a bout of exploration when it came to multiple relationships some months back) has been called plenty of names due to her more liberal practices even though she's mellowed out quite a bit since then. Recently I was called a (insert expletive about me sucking another FC member's manlibits) and other things that my character had done but that were leveled against me, the player, like I had done them.
IC actions beget IC consequences and OOC actions beget OOC consequences. If during the course of RP this happens to you? Calmly speak with the player about it. Express to them how this makes you feel and even go as far as to ask them why they'd do such a thing. Sometimes you'll get a response, sometimes they rageblock, it all varies. If a calm approach doesn't work, blocking and deleting usually does. But if you can avoid going that far, try your best to do so!
IC harassment: If it becomes more well known about your character's polyamory, it likely will happen a time or two that they are approached by another character either to be confronted on their actions or propositioned because some will mistake them of being 'easy' because they may have two or three partners more then the standard norm.
Reactions will vary due to the character, but humor is always a fun approach. Whether to crack a joke or become amused, it usually can be unsettling for the one that approached. Sometimes it even makes them feel foolish and they stop, or frustrates them and they leave.
Another approach, though less commonly done, is pointedly ignoring them or silence. Most characters don't do this because of personality and the nature of how they were approached, but some of my characters have done this over the course of RPs I've done and it can achieve similar results as being humorous does.
Quote:“Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn’t remotely fat—just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose, every day after fifth period. Of course now, she does more than puke. But we don’t talk about that. Because real friends don’t judge each other for what they do to survive in hell.â€
― Isobel Irons, Promiscuous
Quote:“The word 'slut' (in patois) was repeated over and over, until suddenly I felt as if I were drowning in a well but instead of the well being filled with water it was filled with the word 'slut,' and it was pouring in through my eyes, my ears, my nostrils, my mouth. As if to save myself, I turned to her and said, 'Well, like father like son, like mother like daughter.â€
― Jamaica Kincaid, Annie John
Quote: “A woman isn't a whore for wanting pleasure. If it were unnatural, we would not be born with such drives.â€
― Nenia Campbell, Bound to Accept
Mostly slutshaming applies to women, but men are not exempt from this either. Urban dictionary covers the definition with a certain degree of humor while this article here also covers more of the male equivalent of slutshaming, and both of these have some degree of basis even in MMOs.
The concept itself varies from game to game when it comes to the RP community. Like all RP communities both as a group and as individuals, we turn to the lore and NPCs to find some sort of basis for cultural norms and mannerisms that our characters can abide by. Quests, leves, dungeons, cutscenes...FF14 is a rich world for which a little extra digging is required to find the information we want.
Out of many MMOs I have seen, this one is perhaps one of the more liberal when it comes to matters of the flesh. There's a GSM leve in Costa that shrugs at whether or not his/her master likes males or females. There's a number of NPCs in Limsa and around La Noscea that talk about coitus, and a two lalafell on either side of a female miqo'te in Costa where one explains how he's pleasured many women in his 55 summers.
This leads into the next big topic of the guide, and one that will be faced very often when practicing polyamory or any kind of liberal sexual practice: slutshaming.
There are no right or wrong ways to handle slutshaming. You ignore them, it can continue or get worse. You do something, you're seen as being defensive and validating their claims (speaking of all of this in an IC perspective).
Even OOC, I've dealt with slutshaming moreso then any other form of harassment or slander that can be leveled at any one person save for being made fun of for my hearing aides and disabilities. I've been called a whore, a slut, a selfish heathen, and the list goes on and gets into seedier and more vile territory. In RP, it can be much the same when playing a polyamorous character.
There are two major issues coming with slutshaming, and I'll list them as well as possible ways the characters can deal with them.
OOC and IC blending: This one is vague, and it's one seen in other areas of RP. There's always those who use an excuse to be a promiscuous character in order to get ERP or personal gratification. We've all seen it or heard of it at least once or twice. It's not uncommon for those who simply choose to play such character types to be leveled with these kind of accusations, or even looked down upon OOCly for things our characters have done.
For example, Lili (my monogamous character who had a bout of exploration when it came to multiple relationships some months back) has been called plenty of names due to her more liberal practices even though she's mellowed out quite a bit since then. Recently I was called a (insert expletive about me sucking another FC member's manlibits) and other things that my character had done but that were leveled against me, the player, like I had done them.
IC actions beget IC consequences and OOC actions beget OOC consequences. If during the course of RP this happens to you? Calmly speak with the player about it. Express to them how this makes you feel and even go as far as to ask them why they'd do such a thing. Sometimes you'll get a response, sometimes they rageblock, it all varies. If a calm approach doesn't work, blocking and deleting usually does. But if you can avoid going that far, try your best to do so!
IC harassment: If it becomes more well known about your character's polyamory, it likely will happen a time or two that they are approached by another character either to be confronted on their actions or propositioned because some will mistake them of being 'easy' because they may have two or three partners more then the standard norm.
Reactions will vary due to the character, but humor is always a fun approach. Whether to crack a joke or become amused, it usually can be unsettling for the one that approached. Sometimes it even makes them feel foolish and they stop, or frustrates them and they leave.
Another approach, though less commonly done, is pointedly ignoring them or silence. Most characters don't do this because of personality and the nature of how they were approached, but some of my characters have done this over the course of RPs I've done and it can achieve similar results as being humorous does.