Corvus Cinis... a family... yes, I understand, but... I don't know... it's a family in the same way as a bunch of adults who have come to live together as close friends is a family... it's a different kind of love... not the kind I see between Torran's family... the kind that makes me feel alone in the world... because I never felt love like that.
My foster parents were nice, but they quickly knew that I was too wild at heart for them to get close to in that way - they wanted to... they told me as much... but they couldn't. I ended up more being like a wild animal that couldn't look after itself so they were leaving out food for... only they were doing a little more than that... they made me baths, food, and gave me books to read and study. But it was never love. That was why they let me leave when I was ten.
But now the closest person I have to a parent is Aly... but she's got a lot of other responsabilities... could she ever love me in that way...? I don't think she could... professionally, anyway. She's running Corvus Cinis, after all... she can't care for me in any manner more than anyone else... although she does have some sort of relationship with Zenge...
So... what, I ask Aly to adopt me...? No, don't be silly Riku... that would just be awkward... besides, I'm not far from being an adult... although inside, I feel very far away... so then will I ever find anyone to care for me like that? Besides, I don't want to ask such things because... I've proved I can look out for myself in some manners... in combat, in survival... and as I can survive without parentage, and with it being such a responsability... it would just cause an unnecissary burden.
So that's it, then. The closest I will get to that kind of love is watching Torran's family... or my relationship with Miyuki, but that's like she's an older sister, I would still not know what it's like to be looked after... but in places like Ul'dah... I feel I need the looking after... to be taught how to act in a city... to have someone to come to with problems based on it... I suppose Aly fills that role at the moment, but... it doesn't feel enough... something's missing... I think it's that feeling of being loved in that way. But I can't force feelings like that on others, even if I do love Aly as I would a parent myself. Does Aly care the same way back? Probably not, because she's got too many to look out for, being the boss and everything... I don't even know if she sees how much I feel the need for such a connection.
Well at least I have Corvus Cinis at all, because I could have easily ended up not knowing them... and would have ended up staying in the shroud on my own, working for the Adders whilst watching other families pass by with their love, feeling none from anyone for myself... I think it would have been easier if I kept wandering, because I would have never learned about families in such a manner... I would have had no reason to long for one... and would have been content with the minimalistic lifestyle.
Maybe I should ask... eventually... but I'll build up to it... to reduce the awkwardness... and increase the chance of success.
My foster parents were nice, but they quickly knew that I was too wild at heart for them to get close to in that way - they wanted to... they told me as much... but they couldn't. I ended up more being like a wild animal that couldn't look after itself so they were leaving out food for... only they were doing a little more than that... they made me baths, food, and gave me books to read and study. But it was never love. That was why they let me leave when I was ten.
But now the closest person I have to a parent is Aly... but she's got a lot of other responsabilities... could she ever love me in that way...? I don't think she could... professionally, anyway. She's running Corvus Cinis, after all... she can't care for me in any manner more than anyone else... although she does have some sort of relationship with Zenge...
So... what, I ask Aly to adopt me...? No, don't be silly Riku... that would just be awkward... besides, I'm not far from being an adult... although inside, I feel very far away... so then will I ever find anyone to care for me like that? Besides, I don't want to ask such things because... I've proved I can look out for myself in some manners... in combat, in survival... and as I can survive without parentage, and with it being such a responsability... it would just cause an unnecissary burden.
So that's it, then. The closest I will get to that kind of love is watching Torran's family... or my relationship with Miyuki, but that's like she's an older sister, I would still not know what it's like to be looked after... but in places like Ul'dah... I feel I need the looking after... to be taught how to act in a city... to have someone to come to with problems based on it... I suppose Aly fills that role at the moment, but... it doesn't feel enough... something's missing... I think it's that feeling of being loved in that way. But I can't force feelings like that on others, even if I do love Aly as I would a parent myself. Does Aly care the same way back? Probably not, because she's got too many to look out for, being the boss and everything... I don't even know if she sees how much I feel the need for such a connection.
Well at least I have Corvus Cinis at all, because I could have easily ended up not knowing them... and would have ended up staying in the shroud on my own, working for the Adders whilst watching other families pass by with their love, feeling none from anyone for myself... I think it would have been easier if I kept wandering, because I would have never learned about families in such a manner... I would have had no reason to long for one... and would have been content with the minimalistic lifestyle.
Maybe I should ask... eventually... but I'll build up to it... to reduce the awkwardness... and increase the chance of success.
![[Image: RSig2015.png]](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/51152173/RSig2015.png)
