I think... I think it's been long enough since the day of that I can share this without losing my mind again.
So I'm working on my Relic weapon. I get my first book, and I needed to do Tam Tara Deepcroft. I'm elated! What an easy dungeon! So I trundle off to kill a few mobs while registering for duty.
Queue pops.
In we go.
The dungeon is myself, as White Mage, a GLD tank, a PGL, and an ACN. So I know right off the bat that I'm the only 50. Alright, so I'll have to watch my enmity. No problems!
First pull, I give the tank a five count to grab some aggro, then I dance into Cleric Stance, take the tank's target and fire off a Stone I. It turns to me. Alright, that's fine. I can certainly heal through this. Cast Stone a few more times, get the thing killed. By now the tank needs a Cure, so I toss one his way. The other two mobs immediately gain 50% enmity. Okay, this is gonna be rough, let's just plow through. Finish that pull without DPSing anymore to try and simplify things. I stay silent, didn't want to start any drama.
The PGL, however, calls out to wait, and asks the tank if he knows how to tank. THANK YOU FOR FEELING MY FEELS, PGL. WE ARE FRIENDS. Tank says "no". Okay, let's make this easy. I Google up GLD abilities for that level. I try to instruct him to use Flash on CD, cause I'd rather wait for his TP between every pull than deal with constant enmity.
The tank asks "What is CD?"
Okay... um... I ask if he's new to FFXIV. He says yes... I ask if he's new to MMOs. He says yes. I ask if he's new to video games. HE SAYS YES. Oh dear lord Jesus on high Christ my savior please lend me the patience to not gouge my own fucking eyes out in frustration. Deep breaths. Okay. I am a good person. I got this. Everything. Is. Fine. Okay. Here we go. I try to explain the basics of MMOs and tanking. "Mobs are--" He asks what a mob is. Okay... start over. "Monsters are bad. You with me?" Spend the next fifteen minutes trying to explain things so he understands. Eventually we move on.
Nothing changes. He still loses aggro at the drop of a hat and I end up tanking far more than him. Meanwhile, the PGL is getting waaaaay too complex for this guy, talking about line of sight, active mitigation, and limit breaks. I'm sitting here thinking "BRO I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP TALKING PLEASE NOW."
By some blessing of some glorious divine creature we get to the first boss area. We kill the little mobs and the big voidbeing spawns up. The tank fails to dodge any AoEs, ends up getting 1-2-3d by an AoE, a big slash, and an auto attack from le boss. Dies. Okay... No battle rezz at this level. I got this! I healtank while stance dancing and DPS. Boss goes down a few minutes later. Tank: "What happened!?"
Fuck me.
I had to actually walk away to avoid killing a man right then and there. I get back and no one has said anything. Okay... do you know what AoEs are? No? Of course not. Okay. RED IS BAD. AVOID RED. PLEASE. DEAR LORD.
Okay, so we move on, second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. Tank dies to the second boss, questions me again. The ACN finally speaks up and asks if the GLD is playing on a console. He is, and the ACN sets up some voice comm thing to talk to him. Queue fifteen minutes while they get their shit figured out. I'm practicing meditative techniques like a fucking Buddhist monk over here. Sanity is tenuous.
After this... the ACN starts questioning the PGL and I. "Make sure to attack his target." DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THAT IS HARDLY AN OPTION??! FOR THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OR MORE OF COMBAT HE HAS NO TARGET. I CANNOT TARGET HIS TARGET. THAT MOB DOESN'T EXIST. He goes in, Flashes, stands there with no target.... maybe Flashes again. I don't know what the hell he's doing. Okay, I remain silent. I have two options, silence or rage. So yeah, I'm a mute suddenly.
The ACN starts casting Physick. I ask him to please stop, and to focus on DPSing, cause at this point, we only have like 25 minutes left and I'm sure as hell not going to not finish this fucking piece of shit dungeon after all the shit I've been through. This is fucking Tam Tara and I am finishing this fucking dungeon. Please DPS, you fat kumquat. One Cure I restores 50% of his HP. THERE IS NOT A HPS PROBLEM HERE.
Of course the ACN ignores my request and continues healing, so I'm so far gone at this point that I'm being petulant. "Okay, you're healing. I'll DPS. GREAT!" Third boss, he can't keep up with the tank. I see the tank slowly dying, but fuck that I'm in Cleric Stance and I'm DPSing. Tank dies. PGL dies. I die. The ACN summons his Topaz Carbuncle and manages to finish the fight like 10 minutes later. He proceeds to toot his own horn about how amazing he is. I have descended back to silence. I can't even. Those three words have never been more accurate.
I.
Can't.
Even.
Okay, kill the void barrier. Get into the last boss. I am so over this shit. I pull, everyone runs in. I spitefully let the ACN die cause I can't deal anymore. The PGL and I get the Imp adds, and deal the dermages. Eventually we finish.
Finished Tam Tara Deepcroft with 7 minutes left.
...
Okay, it hasn't been long enough for me to talk about this without losing my shit again.
Wow.
I need a drink.
So I'm working on my Relic weapon. I get my first book, and I needed to do Tam Tara Deepcroft. I'm elated! What an easy dungeon! So I trundle off to kill a few mobs while registering for duty.
Queue pops.
In we go.
The dungeon is myself, as White Mage, a GLD tank, a PGL, and an ACN. So I know right off the bat that I'm the only 50. Alright, so I'll have to watch my enmity. No problems!
First pull, I give the tank a five count to grab some aggro, then I dance into Cleric Stance, take the tank's target and fire off a Stone I. It turns to me. Alright, that's fine. I can certainly heal through this. Cast Stone a few more times, get the thing killed. By now the tank needs a Cure, so I toss one his way. The other two mobs immediately gain 50% enmity. Okay, this is gonna be rough, let's just plow through. Finish that pull without DPSing anymore to try and simplify things. I stay silent, didn't want to start any drama.
The PGL, however, calls out to wait, and asks the tank if he knows how to tank. THANK YOU FOR FEELING MY FEELS, PGL. WE ARE FRIENDS. Tank says "no". Okay, let's make this easy. I Google up GLD abilities for that level. I try to instruct him to use Flash on CD, cause I'd rather wait for his TP between every pull than deal with constant enmity.
The tank asks "What is CD?"
Okay... um... I ask if he's new to FFXIV. He says yes... I ask if he's new to MMOs. He says yes. I ask if he's new to video games. HE SAYS YES. Oh dear lord Jesus on high Christ my savior please lend me the patience to not gouge my own fucking eyes out in frustration. Deep breaths. Okay. I am a good person. I got this. Everything. Is. Fine. Okay. Here we go. I try to explain the basics of MMOs and tanking. "Mobs are--" He asks what a mob is. Okay... start over. "Monsters are bad. You with me?" Spend the next fifteen minutes trying to explain things so he understands. Eventually we move on.
Nothing changes. He still loses aggro at the drop of a hat and I end up tanking far more than him. Meanwhile, the PGL is getting waaaaay too complex for this guy, talking about line of sight, active mitigation, and limit breaks. I'm sitting here thinking "BRO I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP TALKING PLEASE NOW."
By some blessing of some glorious divine creature we get to the first boss area. We kill the little mobs and the big voidbeing spawns up. The tank fails to dodge any AoEs, ends up getting 1-2-3d by an AoE, a big slash, and an auto attack from le boss. Dies. Okay... No battle rezz at this level. I got this! I healtank while stance dancing and DPS. Boss goes down a few minutes later. Tank: "What happened!?"
Fuck me.
I had to actually walk away to avoid killing a man right then and there. I get back and no one has said anything. Okay... do you know what AoEs are? No? Of course not. Okay. RED IS BAD. AVOID RED. PLEASE. DEAR LORD.
Okay, so we move on, second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. Tank dies to the second boss, questions me again. The ACN finally speaks up and asks if the GLD is playing on a console. He is, and the ACN sets up some voice comm thing to talk to him. Queue fifteen minutes while they get their shit figured out. I'm practicing meditative techniques like a fucking Buddhist monk over here. Sanity is tenuous.
After this... the ACN starts questioning the PGL and I. "Make sure to attack his target." DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THAT IS HARDLY AN OPTION??! FOR THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OR MORE OF COMBAT HE HAS NO TARGET. I CANNOT TARGET HIS TARGET. THAT MOB DOESN'T EXIST. He goes in, Flashes, stands there with no target.... maybe Flashes again. I don't know what the hell he's doing. Okay, I remain silent. I have two options, silence or rage. So yeah, I'm a mute suddenly.
The ACN starts casting Physick. I ask him to please stop, and to focus on DPSing, cause at this point, we only have like 25 minutes left and I'm sure as hell not going to not finish this fucking piece of shit dungeon after all the shit I've been through. This is fucking Tam Tara and I am finishing this fucking dungeon. Please DPS, you fat kumquat. One Cure I restores 50% of his HP. THERE IS NOT A HPS PROBLEM HERE.
Of course the ACN ignores my request and continues healing, so I'm so far gone at this point that I'm being petulant. "Okay, you're healing. I'll DPS. GREAT!" Third boss, he can't keep up with the tank. I see the tank slowly dying, but fuck that I'm in Cleric Stance and I'm DPSing. Tank dies. PGL dies. I die. The ACN summons his Topaz Carbuncle and manages to finish the fight like 10 minutes later. He proceeds to toot his own horn about how amazing he is. I have descended back to silence. I can't even. Those three words have never been more accurate.
I.
Can't.
Even.
Okay, kill the void barrier. Get into the last boss. I am so over this shit. I pull, everyone runs in. I spitefully let the ACN die cause I can't deal anymore. The PGL and I get the Imp adds, and deal the dermages. Eventually we finish.
Finished Tam Tara Deepcroft with 7 minutes left.
...
Okay, it hasn't been long enough for me to talk about this without losing my shit again.
Wow.
I need a drink.