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+--- Thread: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? (/showthread.php?tid=7694)
Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Blue - 07-17-2014
Hello all, it's been a while. Those few who may know me may have realized that I haven't been around to RP much of late, and it is this hiatus that I would like to discuss.
I just hope it has no repercussions of any kind, since it involves other people.
While my current real life situation is definitely hectic enough to reduce my overall gameplay time, I can't say that I haven't had the time to RP. I had it. I just was pushed away from it.
The reason being, one of my characters, one of those I enjoy RPing the most, has become victim of a stalker.
I'm not talking about an RP griefer; as the title suggests, this is an IC stalker we're talking about, though the situation is starting to cross the OOC borders with how obsessive the IC part has grown.
This roleplayer was one that I met at random in the Quicksands (but then again, isn't that where we meet everyone?) during one of my rare stops there. Despite me keeping an overall neutral stance, this character has grown fond of me quickly, and the fondness turned into flat out obsession very quickly: namely, the second time I stumbled across this person.
This roleplayer has so far (with one exception, but I prefer to think it was just a joke) kept the romance obsession towards my character to an IC level, and that is why I took no OOC countermeasures against them. I declined their attention several times, but this is seemingly only causing them to get more aggressive and determined to "claim" my character and build a relationship with her/him.Â
I am keeping this gender neutral because while I haven't found traces of this roleplayer on the RPC, there's no guarantee they do not browse this site.
I have recently decided to bring the refusal to an OOC level, and we had a discussion in tells about what was exactly going on between our characters and what made them act the way they acting. At that point I was sort of guilt-tripped, and the person began to talk kind of miserably to me, of how they can never find a partner that would stick around to them, despite them having tried really hard since the game's launch.
This is unfortunately not the first case I meet of someone desperate to have IC romance with another roleplayer. I have seen friends stalked by other roleplayers ICly, and I also have been blamed once by another roleplayer to "charm" all his/her potential partners.Â
In my section of the Balmung directory you will see that I wrote from the very beginning that I do not RP romance with people I haven't known IC and OOC for a very long time first (I find that a rather good way to avoid drama/malfunctioning relationships, and I'm also very shy to RP romantic interactions in general, so the confidentiality helps me), so I can't really say I'm the type that calls for this kind of trouble. I Â guess it just finds me, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Be it as it may be, while this is not something that interests 100% of the RP community, the problem is definitely out there: there are a lot of people that seem to make finding a mate their only purpose of RP-life and get obsessed with it. I just would like to hear your opinions: is having a relationship with someone really that  important for a character? I always followed the philosophy that a character is made by what he does or says, not the people he is with. So why is a vast majority of roleplayers
(again I apologize if this is not how you feel about it. Maybe I'm just stressed by this stalking experience, but it really seems that wherever I look there are people RPing romance)
seems to have their roleplay centered on finding/keeping/dealing with the betrayal of a mate/partner? I am of course not talking of cybering; I was lucky enough to stumble only in a dozen of those during this year of XIV, but in general, it really feels like people have nothing better to RP than discussing their sexual preferences, their mating partners, and a quite flavored plethora of topics centered on having sex, seducing, or dating someone else.
As harsh as I may sound (and again, I apologize, I am not really myself right now with how fed up I am with this situation I'm in), maybe this phenomena may take great part of the blame when we wonder why non-RPers grief us and call us "ERPers". It really seems everyone in town has hardly any other topic to bring up.
I mean, I don't know you, but in real life it had yet to occur me that a complete stranger would walk up to me and within five minutes of conversation is already filling me in with rather private information such as his/her sexual tendencies and favorite methods. Maybe it's a case of meta; maybe a lot of roleplayers cannot fully "forget" that they are in a videogame when they RP, and say IC things that are not quite stuff one would bring up in a casual conversation in real life.
Just the other day I was heading to my inn room to store something in the armoire, and these were the first lines to fill my chatlog:
A: "I want you."
B: "Do you now?"
A: "Pls don't deny me."
I haven't happened to overhear that in real life, like ever. Maybe I did walk near a couple having a similar conversation in my life, but I'm sure they were whispering. Real Life /tells, or party chat, cause I did not hear this.
Or maybe there is a note somewhere in Eorzea lore where it says common courtesy among strangers is to share what to me still pertains "TMI" and I missed it.
Overall, I apologize for the rant. I am just waiting for this person to find another target and leave me alone. Hopefully once I get back into RP, I will return to pay no mind to this kind of stuff. It's just that right now it really strikes a nerve on me.Â
Do you also like me RP characters that do not require a sexual relationship with someone to have their own plot and stuff to talk about? Please let me know that I am not alone.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Coatleque - 07-17-2014
You're definitely not alone. At no time is my character seeking out any type of romantic involvement. If it happens in the course of RP then I just go with the flow, but it's not the top priority as soon as I log in.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Zhavi - 07-17-2014
I think with RP it's important to remember that everyone has their own idea of what is fun, and not everyone is going to find the same thing fun.
That said, if you are ever uncomfortable during rp, put a stop on that shit. Seriously. Not cool. IC things can turn to OOC things, and if you let it go on it can get nasty, fast. Best to draw the line asap. If they feel they are having a difficult time finding a rp partner, direct them here, where they can post a nice ooc ad for their character and get the sort of response they are looking for.
As for me, generally I find functioning, healthy romantic rp relationships to be boring. Generally. I do tend to find them more interesting when my character isn't in them (I have some favorite rp couples I quietly root for), but overall I like to explore platonic (or tension filled, or weird, or quirky, whatever) relationships that aren't romantic. Of course, whatever happens, happens, but there's a reason I tend to build characters that other characters have a hard time feeling attracted towards.
All of that said, I've had some pretty errr. . .strange conversations with strangers.
Depends on the setting, both in person and online.Buuut, at the end of the day, if people are having fun then power to them. I just won't be participating if it isn't my cup of tea.
edit - as to your problem, I had to dial back my initial response, which was "DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THEM? I WILL HAVE A CHAT WITH THEM." *cough* but seriously, if you need some help tactfully pointing them towards finding someone who will reciprocate, I'm open.
There was one time where this young man (15) did not properly tell us when a woman who should not have approached him period was being inappropriate with him oocly after their characters got together icly. Thankfully nothing bad happened, but it could have really not turned out well for him. I still kick myself for not catching it.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - McBeefâ„¢ - 07-17-2014
I definitely have some issues with this as well. Usually it doesn't bother me as much as it should, and I just laugh it off.
I should say there there seems to be a large dividing line between two general types of "RPers"when it comes to romance. There are some who romantic/sexual things (if they occur at all) are simply the spice to a story, where as to others the plot is the window dressing for the sex.
To put it simply, some people are RPing like a rated R feature film, and others are RPing like a porno.
Not saying either one is wrong, but I think sometimes people can mistake you for being in the porno camp when you're not, and to them, EVERYONE is in the porno camp. So they get confused when people aren't interested, because to them strings of IC explicit romances are what RP is. Unfortunately this seems to be a common viewpoint among non-rpers as well.
edit: By you, I mean it in a general sense, not the OP specifically.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Yune - 07-17-2014
Something like this, though to a very minor degree happened with me recently as well. It was more the situation that I met someone IC and at first, they were very friendly and nice, but... As the conversation continued, they kept making little gestures which may seem small to some, but my character is a very shy sort who is unaccustomed to socializing and especially flirtation. She believes that certain displays of affection should only be shown to someone special, when the gesture has "meaning". This person kept reaching for her hand, or making a note to say that he would take her hand when they began to walk somewhere else. This person was practically acting as though they already had a romantic connection/responsibility over mine. Even after making it clear very early on that it made her uncomfortable in IC chat, this person would start all over again after a few minutes of backing off.
Perhaps it was my own fault for continuing to speak to this person? I figured (OOC) that if the person really was looking for something and I shot them down once, twice, or even three times, they would either get the hint and just be friendly, or back off and pursue someone elsewhere as people like that tend to do when they see no potential here. But they acted like they were fine with just being friendly. But they would back off, and then start the affectionate touches again, she would shy away, they would back off, rinse and repeat...
Usually, I enjoy it when romance develops slowly and naturally. I know that not all romances happen at a snail's pace, but I appreciate it more when time is spent nurturing the relationship, rather than "Hello! I like you! Let's make out and be a couple now!" As Zhavi mentioned, everyone has their own idea of what is fun, so I guess there will be those out there who prefer RP romance to anything else, and will do what they can to establish a connection as quickly as they can so they can just rush into the benefits of the relationship they're looking for. I don't really know why there is a mentality like that, but it's there. I can understand and appreciate that reality. I just wish that those same people could realize that not all RPers are after the same thing, and would refrain from the guilt tripping when they get shut down...
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - FreelanceWizard - 07-17-2014
To share a similar experience I had in another MMO long ago, I once had a character fall into a relationship ICly, and when things got bad IC, the player would try to guilt trip me into keeping the characters together or having the two spend more time together with a statement to the effect of, "If our characters break up, I'm going to kill mine off and quit the game." So, uh, yeah. I sympathize.
Personally, I think one of the major things that drives the emphasis on "hookup" RP is a lack of things to discuss outside of that. Everyone knows sexytime is fun, and everyone knows it exists in the setting, so it's an easy topic of conversation. It's harder to talk about current world events because they change between patches; a person in one part of the MSQ has a rather different perspective on the Garleans than someone who's up to date with it. Even regular events, such as Primal summonings, get tricky because some people RP knowing nothing about such things, and some people OOCly feel that RPing someone who does know about such things (or who's involved in them) is playing an overpowered character. Naturally, to avoid conflict, such topics are rarely raised in public RP hot spots. Then there's the issue of missing lore; while we know Eorzea has music and dance, we don't know much about either of those things. We know it has magic, but the metaphysics are extremely vague. We know a bit about miqo'te culture, but very little about elezen culture. All of these grey areas are also avoided in public RP much of the time because you never know when a discussion of "Huh, we seem to have different experiences!" will get clobbered by someone who says, "Yeah, well, what I say is right, and you're all nuts/lore breakers/disrupting my head-canon!" Player-run plots are another area often avoided, as "plot leakage" can cause OOC scope problems that get ugly quickly.
Outside of all of these issues that tend to fence off particular topics from public RP areas, I think you see more sex-oriented RP in tavern RP generally, in much the same way that people in bars in real life are flirting and trying to pick people up. You're likely going to find less "hookup" RP inside FCs and LSes, I'd argue -- which is not to say it doesn't show up elsewhere, just that those groups have more in common among their characters and are more likely to have other things to talk about.
In terms of specific characters, while L'yhta's in a kinda-sorta relationship with someone right now that evolved over the course of several months, it was never my intention for her get romantically involved (I joke that "L'yhta's single, for reasons that become immediately apparent the second she opens her mouth"). It just evolved ICly, and it doesn't dominate RP. She and her companion are almost always talking about something other than how much they like to kissy-face, and certainly they never discuss that in public.
I don't have an interest in playing a character whose life is entirely dominated by their romantic escapades. I'd much rather play a strong hero or heroine who may or may not have a romance that certainly isn't key to their existence and concept.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Blue - 07-17-2014
(07-17-2014, 06:04 PM)Natalie Mcbeef Wrote: I definitely have some issues with this as well. Usually it doesn't bother me as much as it should, and I just laugh it off.Even more than that, often times I feel like the RP side of the game is taken as one of those match-making websites. People seem to take for granted that if you are single, then you must be interested in having a partner, and that rejections and denials are only a "part of the flirt". If you take the rejection to an OOC level, what will usually occurs is the unfortunate tale of how this person's real life is deprived of any affection and how they would like to at least "make believe" in a videogame.
I should say there there seems to be a large dividing line between two general types of "RPers"when it comes to romance. There are some who romantic/sexual things (if they occur at all) are simply the spice to a story, where as to others the plot is the window dressing for the sex.
To put it simply, some people are RPing like a rated R feature film, and others are RPing like a porno.
Not saying either one is wrong, but I think sometimes people can mistake you for being in the porno camp when you're not, and to them, EVERYONE is in the porno camp. So they get confused when people aren't interested, because to them strings of IC explicit romances are what RP is. Â Unfortunately this seems to be a common viewpoint among non-rpers as well.
edit: By you, I mean it in a general sense, not the OP specifically.
I get that sometimes people may want to do that. Hell, I haven't had a RL/OOC partner since 2010, so I feel for them. But I'm sure there are better games and sites for that.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Tiergan - 07-17-2014
I pretty much put myself squarely in the No-RP-Romance camp because things have rapidly gotten weird between other players and myself even without Tiergan expressing any interest in other people.
If I find someone who doesn't frame all of their RP around romance, doesn't mix IC/OOC, AND views the romance purely from a narrative, character-development perspective -- MAYBE I'll go for it. But until then? No thanks. There are far, far too many people trying to live vicariously through their RP romances for me to be comfortable with.
I have no interest in RP Romance being the driving goal of my roleplay experience and to be blunt - I'm not hugely interested in RPing with other people whose main goal is to find RP romance and a 'partner'. If that's how other folks find enjoyment, more power to them, but their RP preferences and my own will likely never align.
I second what others have said in regards to your own comfort in this situation: if ANY RP is making you uncomfortable, whether it pertains to romance or not, you are well within your rights to pull the breaks and OOCly communicate with the other person saying ((Hey, I'm sorry, but this RP makes me feel a little uncomfortable and I would like to divert the RP in another direction.)).
If someone gives you shit for that, that's their problem - not yours. Just like it's someone else's problem that they haven't been able to get an RP partner since launch - you have nothing to feel guilty over and have every right to enjoy your RP the way you would like to enjoy it.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Val - 07-17-2014
I generally don't do RP romance unless I know the individual very well and am 100% sure that they won't take things OOC. That being said, I've had an RP partner for very close to two years now and I feel incredibly blessed with the fact that this is something I simply do not have to worry with anymore.
That being said, I've still had to deal with my fair share of stalkers. I've had them try to tear our friendship apart OOCly, make me feel bad for not RPing with them over my partner, and many other things. I tend to just block them when it becomes an issue, though that's a very last resort and I'd rather settle it with conversation than coming to something so final. In your case, I would definitely have just blocked them.
Also, I believe a lot of it is due to the anonymity of the internet. If everyone know what everyone looked like, where they lived, where they worked, etc, then you likely wouldn't find people to be so, ah.. tactless when it came to conversation. I'm a guy, so I don't tend to get that except from incredibly desperate females and honestly I'm only left to pity them.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - TheLastCandle - 07-17-2014
Blue Wrote:At that point I was sort of guilt-tripped, and the person began to talk kind of miserably to me, of how they can never find a partner that would stick around to them, despite them having tried really hard since the game's launch.
![[Image: Red_Alert_animation_by_Balsavor.gif]](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs39/f/2008/338/9/c/Red_Alert_animation_by_Balsavor.gif)
Nooooope. Bad experiences with someone who used exactly the same statement with me. Sets off so many alarms in my head that my ears are ringing.
I will say that I think there are a lot of roleplayers who place far too much emphasis on "romance," to the point where it becomes all you ever do, and the person you've claimed as your "RP partner" is the sole person with whom you do all other game content. I see this more in MMO's than I do in any other medium, including MUDs where I came from previously. It's possible that the person in question is accustomed to that kind of "RP partner" relationship in previous games.
It sounds like you've talked to them and told them where you stand. Frankly, that should be good enough. If it's not, I'm sorry to say the next step for me would be to blacklist them. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Faye - 07-17-2014
My RP partner and I were both recently harassed a very stalker-esque player who went to great lengths IC and OOC to try to get with each of our characters and tear apart their current relationship, even creating two characters and two separate Enjin profiles to pretend to be two different people. Some part of me can't help but wonder if it's the same person. At any rate, I've been there, more than once, with a character that relentlessly pursues mine and slowly it beings to leak OOC. It's uncomfortable and incredibly off-putting.Â
As for my role-play, while romance is my favorite thing to RP and I hope my characters will find it, my characters are fully-functional without being in a relationship. IC they aren't desperate for romance, and OOC I don't try to force the role-play in that direction. Trying to force a role-play toward romance or sex is... honestly weird and probably hints at some blurring of IC with OOC. It seems some people use RP relationships to validate themselves and their self-worth the same way some people do in real life, and I'm sure those who do are one in the same. In both, it's obviously incorrect that you should base your self-esteem on another person, and that kind of desperation, ironically, turns most people away.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Crisiet - 07-17-2014
I don't mind romantic RP, but my take is that it's something that should happen to characters "naturally". As in, I don't wander into RP looking for it.
I NEVER let it leak into OOC. Ever. I've seen the drama that comes with it and it's never pretty.
If this person is distressing you OOC, tell them outright to back off and blacklist them if you have to. You don't have to put up with it and whatever excuses of loneliness they make, you're not responsible for them.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Gaspard - 07-17-2014
For Romance RP you require to individuals that are one hundred percent capable of seperating IC from OOC. And that is rarely found at most times.Â
The Problem with Relationship RP's in any form is the Human component. As you 'emulate' your characters love to a person, depending how deep you submerse yourself in your 'role', the more you may actually 'feel' something, even on an artificial level. Some people tend to let the RP influence too strongly, thus creating a vicious feedback cycle where their Real life emotions take charge over their IC habits. I've seen it happen various times to friends of mine, Who have a hard time seperating their emotional inner workings from the fictional RP world. They even get a genuine flight or fight response when in danger Icly. (Which is why I sometimes wondered if Roleplaying isn't perhaps detrimental when it comes to self-confidence for some). If a fictional game can opt such strong emotions from some, I dread some peoples IRL reactions to stress.
That being said, your stalker could be either someone with a heavy set of issues, having a hard time seperating his emotional self from the fictional character he's created, trying to compensate for a lack of comfort in his/her own life, Or you may be simply dealing with some Troll who takes pleasure in unsettling other people through constant harassment.
I've seen that happen too. People bored with roleplay who somehow get kick out of it to pretend being naive roleplayers stalking people and/or instigating other issues.
Either way, your safest bet is to reject them politely, tell them that you think cutting off contact entirely will be more healthy for that person aswell as you, and then stick to the ignoring policy you set up. It'll set a boundary, protect you, and at the same time teach said person that his current behavior will not give him/her the desired result.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Lightningtear - 07-17-2014
Admittedly, I have been in an RPing slump and for a time thanks to some distress with real life, and a previously poor experience with an MMO that is somewhat recent I was letting OOC get in the way of in game. I was desperate for some RP, and ended up ruining some other RP. This is a habit I'm seeking to destroy, as I believe OOC has no place in IC.
I decided it was best to pull away, to soothe my issues and then try to RP again. I haven't been on in a couple of weeks and even thought of quitting the game because if I wasn't having fun, what was the point? So... I can understand that someone wants to RP, but to seek only romance, and become OOC and even obsessive has no purpose.
 Crazy people ICly are fun, but I understand your concerns and rather than being you, have border-lined the other side, though I'm not seeking romance. So from being a borderline other side player I have to say you're probably doing the best you can by avoiding them, but you might want to blacklist the person if they are this much of a problem as well. Hiding might not answer the problem, if they're the type that is willing to wait. There is no point in ruining your game over someone who is being a nuisance.Â
It's a game and most people will just be text or avatars in the end, so you might want to cut out the problem as soon as you can. No point if you're not having fun. I won't give up, but while I'll be respectful and rectify myself and the problem, he/she might not do the same.
RE: Roleplaying Romance: Obsession Emergency? - Aduu Avagnar - 07-17-2014
As has been proven, you are definitely not alone in this, there has in fact recently been an issue that I have been involved with, where it leaked OOC, and essentially ended up making the person involved not want to play.
best advice I can give is to Blist them, and move on.