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+--- Thread: Weight On the Soul (/showthread.php?tid=20240)
Weight On the Soul - Zeris - 07-29-2017
It was still raining. Since Zair'is arrived in Kugane, there had been very few appearances of the sun. He sat in an open courtyard of the Sekiseigumi barracks, kneeling in a meditative position. He was stripped of his shirt, clad in well worn in pants and boots. His katana sat beside him, water pattering across his scarred skin and dripping down his soaked hair. An older woman wearing traditional Sekiseigumi garb paced around him. Zair'is never made eye contact with her, keeping his eyes focused on the ground in front of him.
"There is a reason for your visit." The older woman broke the ambient sound of rainfall, speaking in Hingashi dialect. She paused her pacing, looking down the courtyard as she propped a shinai in the wet soil, rolling it idlely in her hands.
"Yes." Zair'is responded quietly in the same dialect. The woman circled in front of him, lifting the shinai and pressing the end underneath his chin to lift his head. Zair'is' eyes were bloodshot and bagged. He was shivering in the rain, his lips slightly blued.
"Terrible. You can't even take care of yourself, yet you spill your emotions on others." She clicked her mouth at him, shifting the shinai to the right of his head, then drawing it across his cheek with a resonating smacking sound. The bamboo stung against his cheek. Zair'is simply shut his eyes, but made no noise or attempt at a retort. "It's resonating off of you like a dark haze; so much anger and spite. You not only disappoint me, but you also disappoint him. You are aware of this, yes?"
Zair'is simply nodded. Another resounding clap hit across his other cheek.
"Answer me."
"Yes." He finally spoke up, louder than his previous affirmative. "I know what I have done. My behavior is unacceptable."
"Unacceptable is not the word I would have chosen, but not incorrect." She tapped the shinai on her shoulder as she resumed her pacing around the kneeling Miqo'te. "Why do you carry this weight upon your soul? Have you failed so spectacularly in continuing your training that in mere months you have forgotten everything he taught you?"
The words burned him, his features wincing slightly as his lack of discipline was laid bare. He remained silent until another loud crack resonated against the back of his head. He clenched his teeth together, almost biting his tongue in the process.
"I have nightmares. Not of the imprisonment or the torture, but what I left behind. I have been given the chance to start over. A hand has been offered to me, but just as quickly it seems like it is being pulled away. I do not know if I can trust them. There are... things that have not been explained, despite promises being made."
"Why does it matter to you?"
Zair'is didn't have an answer right away. He opened his mouth and closed it a few times before he finally sighed. "I felt like I was apart of a family again. But, truthfully, now I feel like I'm back in the Maelstrom again. It angers me to be treated this way."
The shinai was tapped against the top of his head several times. "You feel as though this "family" owes you something? You are a stray. A man with no home. You have no past, only a future. This is how you would spend your new beginning? Angry." She sounded bitter and frustrated, releasing an impatient sigh as she tapped the shinai against his ear. "You disgrace the very man who brought you back up from nothing with your behavior. You dishonor yourself, me, and most importantly him. I should have you gut yourself open before me."
Zair'is lowered his head further, feeling wetness under his eyes that was masked over by the rain that dripped across his face. He breathed evenly through his nose, his teeth still clenched as he balled his fists on his knees. The shinai cracked down across his bandaged hands.
"Look at your hands. You are frustrated, at yourself no doubt. As you should be. Tell me, why are your hands bandaged?" She stood in front of him, holding the shinai over his left hand.
"... My knuckles split open attacking a striking dummy." He started to respond quietly, but raised his tone as he was sure he would get scolded for not speaking up.
"You are stupid. You brim with so much anger you would destroy your body in the pursuit of release. It is plain to see. You drink yourself to some form of sleep, as brief as it may be. You spend your days drinking in spite and you spend your evenings attacking inanimate objects as your release. Explain this to me." She planted the shinai back in the soil, idlely drumming her fingers along the handle as she waited for a response.
Slowly lifting his head back up to face the woman, he breathed heavily through clenched teeth, water particles blowing from his lips with the breaths he takes. "I am rage. I was indoctrinated and trained to be a weapon. A tool to be used as a means to an end. That is my worth. That is my li-..." He was struck hard across the face with the shinai before he could finish his statement. Then again on the other side of his face. Then once more on the opposite side.
"Stupid! Stupid! You are not retaining!" The woman scolded him loudly, leaning down to grip his chin forcefully, peering into his silver eyes with her own burning set, slightly shadowed by her wide brimmed straw hat. "That is not your life anymore. You have no past. Why do you cling so tenaciously to something that is no longer you? You are not defined. You are an empty slate - tempered and hardened by your former mentor. Do you not remember any of that?"
Zair'is stared for several moments at the woman's eyes, his own set glazing over. His breathing became quicker as it quivered from between his teeth. Finally he broke and began to sob. His entire body shook with the emotion, tears streaming down his face only to be washed away by the rain. He continued to sob, though for the most part he was quiet.
The woman released his chin and stood back up, returning her hands to the shinai's handle and idlely drumming her fingers on it again. "Catharsis. The first and most important step to realization and improvement." She tilted her head up slightly, watching the rain fall from the sky. "You still have much to learn, but I have not given up on you yet. I owe him just as much as you do. This is my charge."
Zair'is continued to sob, but was calming down bit by bit as she continued to speak to him.
"Anger. Hate. Frustration. All of these things are weight upon your soul. Eventually, they destroy your mind and make you blind to all else. Your body follows soon after. You cannot live entirely free of such things, but that is why you were instructed so heavily on the importance of balance. It's good for Hydaelyn but most importantly it is good for you." She ceased drumming her fingers on the shinai, using the end of it to slowly tap under his chin again and lift it back up to face her. "I cannot always be here to remind you of this."
Zair'is stared up at her, his eyes widened slightly as he was laid bare in front of her. He felt like an immature child again, the shame almost too much for him to bear. He steeled his expression and nodded to her, his chin tapping against the shinai. "I understand. I will not let this happen to me again. I will purge myself of this." He assertively spoke to her, though it sounded more as if he was assuring himself.
The woman made a small amused noise and grinned at him. "I hope so. I really do. Do not bring this shame upon yourself again. The weight of it will crush you." She lightly tapped his shoulder with the shinai. "Meditate. Reflect. You will know when you are ready to leave. Do not disappoint me again." She pulled the shinai back to rest on her shoulder as she paced around until she was behind the Miqo'te, walking back toward the barracks themselves and disappearing behind the sliding screen after removing her sandals.
Zair'is continued to stare forward, the rain becoming background noise as his head flooded with thoughts. He took several slow breaths as he shut his eyes, normalizing his breathing again. Pools of water were forming around his knees and his feet, but he remained in his position, lowering his head again as he took the time to reflect. Not many would have the chance he was given, and he didn't want to waste it.